i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize