woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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