I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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