I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
