we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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