I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
