I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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