Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
A+ Viking dick
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
