Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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