woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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