Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
