I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
