you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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