i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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