It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
