Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
