Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
