What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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