guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
