Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
