I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize