GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
