i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
