i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
