I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
