Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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