I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
