I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
