You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
