Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
