On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
