I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
