how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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