I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
accomplished twins. life is a go
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
