My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
