The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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