haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
