Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
