my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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