sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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