I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
