I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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