What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
