There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
