It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need moral support for this bender
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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