There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You left your phone here
Wait...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
