im drinking this country out of the recession.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
