If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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