I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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