Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
