I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
