i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
