Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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