Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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