thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
