I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
