theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize