also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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