I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
