After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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