kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
