Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
