my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
