he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
