We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
