He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
