I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
