The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
