Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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