i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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