i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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